You know sometimes it's just hard to know whether to stay put or go for it. Even if you feel like you have some kind of back up plan, or wings that have been tested already, you just don't know if you should take the step or stay put.
I kind of feel like that right now. I really felt that going to school was the right call, getting a journalism degree would ramp my life up a bit. But then things start to get muddy, and I start to second guess. Was I happier just getting acting gigs when I could, and was I disrepecting myself by taking a wage that was offered or no wage at all?
Should I have pursued it wholeheartedly instead of getting scared that it would never amount to anything, thus neither would I?
The funny thing is, that it took until I was 35 to jump back into acting. I always felt that I had done myself a disservice by not pursuing my acting and singing. I believe fear was the supreme root of it all. Was I good enough, did I deserve to do what I loved, was I of a good enough caliber to get jobs that could support me. I don't know if I really gave it the best shot I could have.... no... I know I didn't. But then part of me says, that by giving myself a degree I have another set of wings to try out- to try to fly with.
By giving myself this opportunity, I feel like, I can then pursue two different loves and maybe succeed at one of them. I don't know this may be a cop out. I do know that if nothing else, I will be able to write my own play reviews!!!!
I was always taught that I wasn't the best, I wasn't the prettiest, that I needed to be humble before all. This wasn't my parents fault, it was just the way my Mom was brought up. Besides she read Dr. Spock (not on Star Trek) and unfortunately there is a generation of us that have low-esteem issues, and image problems, and we have the great Spock to thank for that. I am sure that he meant well, and felt he was right in what he taught. I am also fairly sure that a lot of parents went wrong by trying to use a book to parent by in the first place but none-the-less, the practice of child-rearing with the books' methadology was in fact a great part of why I am the way I am.
I realize that because I was never taught to believe in myself and my abilities, I am stuck in some certain ways. I don't have the ability to "just put myself out there" for critique, and when I recieve critizism, whether it be constuctive or not, I tend to fold up and give up.
Maybe by just acknowledging this, I am making myself accountable. By that I mean, perhaps by writing this for all the world to see, I am now responsible for changing my behavior. I can no longer sit back and let the world happen to me, and then whine about it. I know that if I can write about it, then I can change it. Maybe just maybe I have found why it is necessary for me to continue the pursuit of journalism. If I can come to terms, by writing, with who I am and realize I am a capable and talented woman and not feel guilty for acknowledging it, then maybe I can start to be successful in my acting or any career I choose to pursue.
I can also tell you that I did not start out with this end in mind. But happily, by writing my thoughts I have come to a insightful conclusion. Thank you for being part of my "working it all out!"
Have a good day all.
