The Bitter Pill

 

How, what, when, where, and what the hell is it all about

These are all the questions I’d like to figure out

Figure out the answers line them in a row

Shove them down like sugar pills and understand the how

How is it that I am here and the one who should be not

Did all the favour come her way quite free or simply bought

How is it that I am punished and she is laughing still

How is it that I’m strapped down and fed the bitter pill

The pill of knowing innocence yet  forced a guilty stamp

her mouth quite free to waggle yet mine is firmly clamped.

So answer all these questions, or at least please give a clue

So I can find some peace of mind

and finally understand in time

how she’s killed this my world  of mine

and when will she be through.

 

-colleen hannah

When you have been the victim of harassment for three years, been screamed at, accused of stalking, all because you asked her to stop flooding your apartment with pot, and when you finally cannot take it, and you finally write an angry letter, and the person who has harassed you convinces all those around that you are the “bad one,” somehow it all seems wrong, and you feel alone, and your world seems shattered. So you do what you know, write a poem.

On a Lonely Frozen Night

 

I stand on the balcony

between stars and reality

I look up and call out “Mommy”

and I see a streaking light

and I know

you are watching me

and I know

you watch over me

and warmth seeps in

on this sad and sorrowed evening

and warmth surrounds me

on this lonely frozen night

and your meteoric memory

brings me back to life.

–colleen hannah –

for my Mom who lived with and died from ALS. So often I will look up  and before I can scarcely call out her name a meteor will streak across the darkened sky. She was always a meteor in life and now that she is able to dance again, she is dancing amongst the stars, and sending me a sign she still watches over me. I love you Mommy.

HELLO, I WILL BE FOCUSING ON MY OTHER BLOG MORE THESE DAYS AT- HTTP://VANCOUVERISLANDPSYCHOSIS.WORDPRESS.COM THANKS FOR CHECKING THIS SITE OUT. I WILL SLOWLY BUT SURELY BE COPYING ALL POSTS FROM HERE OVER TO THERE. THANKS SEE YOU THERE.

Mind over Matter

Muscles

once healthy

once ready to do their mistress' will

rebelled

no command

enticed obedience

Rebellion started in her core

the center of her being

not the center most essential

but the seat of all control

Control Sitting

Control Standing

Control Breathing

She had lost all control

“What do you have to be mad about,

I’m not mad, you shouldn't be"

I know Mom

Anger came

later

the chair arrived

fourteen thousand dollars worth of fucking chair

she hated it

lamplighter it was, screaming

lights out!

“No”

She screamed back

“Not yet”

She pleaded

Her body

dead to her

(mind over matter, she would say)

gave rise to humour

funny

I never saw that before

Church ladies came and went

Different one each day

“The church will know me only from the ass up”

she said once while I was taking care of her business end

shocked

by the unexpected punch of humour

we laughed we giggled

she choked

I adjusted her mask

We laughed some more

“I don’t want to go to the home”

I know Mom

“I don’t want to die alone”

I know Mom

She didn't

She did

It hurts

Still, she’s with me

mind over matter

right Mom?

Written by me, Colleen Hannah for my Mom

who lived

and died

with and from

ALS.

My Mom, Milly Hannah, discovered one day, after a journey not wished for, and a road no one should take, that her body really didn't matter.

Mind over matter she said.

This truth was found after many tears, but also came with a joyous realization. It was the turning point in her acceptance.

I wish I could have been as courageous and dignified while taking the journey with her. We had lived as comfortable strangers before she became sick. Her illness gave us an amazing opportunity to understand each other. Laughter became common place, as did the tears. I wish our new relationship had not come at so high a cost. I thought long and hard about one thing... if I could turn back time, make it so ALS had never touched our family, and therefore, go back to the old relationship we had, would I? I cannot say, I do not have that power. But I do know that I would never trade the newly formed bond we found within each other and perhaps I wouldn't trade it, even at the cost of losing her. I know that if she could tell me, she would say, she would never trade the knowledge of the greater love around her.

I encourage those taking this same journey with their loved ones to relax into their relationships, and find someway to learn to love unconditionally. Some may believe that unconditional love is a cliché. It is not. Because time is a gift, and although ALS steals time, it also gives us enough of it to learn to relax into the moments we are given. ALS also gives us precious time to tell each other those things that other people, who have lost their loved ones too quickly, wish they could have said.

I encourage those of you facing the trial of ALS not to waste the time you have, because even though I had almost five years to say goodbye, I never really thought I would lose my Mom, therefore I wasted time thinking there would always be another day to say the things left unsaid.

Mom also used to say, "Don't live today in a way that will cause regrets tomorrow." She would tell me, "If you don't spend time with me you will regret it after I am gone."

So often I would think (and I am being very honest) I would think, she is just saying that to get me to come over and see her. Yes! She was. Of course she was, because she knew when I didn't use those times to see her I would regret it later. And I have, deeply. I regret everyday I didn't go. I was scared to get too close, I knew it would hurt more when she was gone. How very selfish of me. I could have stayed with her the night she died alone in hospital, but I didn't. It wasn't out of selfishness. She said she was fine, now I know she wasn't and was only trying to make me feel OK about leaving. I just didn't think she would die, I convinced myself each new day that came Mom would still be there. I wish she had told me, "NO, don't leave me." But it was for me to know she was scared, but I was tired and thought tomorrow would be there. I took it, and I guess her, for granted. But now I would take the hurt of losing her a thousand times more if it meant I could have more time.

Below are words I wish I had said, and lived, when Mom was alive. Instead of wasting time worrying about losing her I ended up losing her long before she was gone... if only I had said...

"I love you with all my heart, I will miss you, but we have today."

There is so much to celebrate though, it was, and is, not all regrets. I learned to love her fiercely and she me in return. I believe we achieved that love by letting go of past hurts and understanding the old of yesterday was never as important as today and tomorrow.

Prayers for those who walk one of the hardest paths in life and prayers to those just starting it. But therein lies the promise... It is one of the hardest paths- in life. And as you live this new life I am praying that you will find the laughter and joyful little moments that Mom and I found in the midst of ALS.

(more editing needed, will fix up soon.)

Hummingbirds 2007 Unbelievable!

This is a great video, I didn't take it, obviously by the title. :)
But what amazed me this year is finding out that The Anna's Hummingbird is here year round where I live on Vancouver Island. I was worried about the poor little things during an especially brutal snowstorm we just had but there they were flitting around safe and sound the very next day. Sweet little birds, they are, and tame as skittish kittens. Some people think putting up a feeder this far north will keep the hummingbirds from migrating south, but that is not the case anymore, although humans are to blame for the Anna's Hummingbird species being here at all. The Rufus species, a smaller bird than the Anna's will still migrate south and putting up a feeder won't prevent that, but the Anna's are now year round residents. Fifty to sixty years ago the Anna's Hummingbird were only found as far north as California but due to human intervention (feeders) they now are here much further north year round. So if you live on Van Isle or further north up the coast from California don't worry about putting out a feeder in winter, you aren't keeping them around, but you may just be saving their little lives. I guess it is possible that putting up the feeders will have the same impact on the Rufus species as it did on the Anna's when it comes to disuading them from migrating, but as they are a smaller species I doubt they would have the fortitude to withstand even the milder winters here, but I am not an expert on the subject so don't take my word for it, if you have questions please contact an ornithologist and they will have all the answers you need. Have fun watching and soon I will be posting some of my own pictures of our backyard hummingbirds. They are pictures I took about a week ago. Take care out there.

For women in crisis (hope is the first note)

NEVER SINGING, SINGING. (hope is the first note)

Never singing singing

To his chafed and calloused touch

To his time for him

and him alone. To his bark

that breaks my bones

Never singing singing

To the place I live a lie

To the girl gone in the mirror

To the backbone sick and dying

Never singing singing

To the children

never raised. To the spirit dead

within me. To my body

on the grave.

Just sing one note, damn you,

my voice, reflected, cries.

one single

small

intensive note

is all that is required.

Without

that note

I will never sing

to the place where murmurs grow

To the left and to

the wrong of those

who talk

but never know

If they would only Stop

their natter, and intonate

to me

I may a day

find my voice

then singing I would leave

But never singing singing

the metronome

still plays

its wicked little ticking game

I sweep

my tomb in time

and wait.

written by me- Driving Miss Crazy aka- Colleen Hannah, for an assignment in Poetry, I wrote it for the women, I have known, who have lived, and those who still live, in an abusive relationship. So often these women are hurt not only by their spouses, but they are also hurt by those they thought they could trust and count on. There are many who truly are there for these women, but I chose to write about those who "talk the talk," then runaway when it is time for the woman to walk away. That woman needs someone who will be there not just to pray or say the right things, but instead, to be there when she leaves, when she leaves everything behind. But sadly, as I have written in my poem, so many don't make it to that first step, and instead, are chained to another's steps, leading to the inevitable end of an abusive relationship.

So, if you are someone who knows a woman in crisis, give her the gift of that first note, give her hope, by helping her in some meaningful and tangible way. Perhaps find out where the safe houses are in your neigbourhood or city then give her the list or keep it hidden but ready for her. Perhaps you can drive her to a doctor who can help her find safety. Maybe you could just let her know that your door is always open and you, and I mean all of us, including me. Perhaps that is too scary for you, then you could always help her by letting her know you will take a call from her at any time day or night. These are just a few ways you could help. Just the idea that someone cares enough to keep in contact and knows her secrets but still cares for her anyway is a deep and resonating note of hope.

I know so many of you out there do help and things are changing, but for those who are still "trapped" and can find no reason to sing, I promise

there can be a day for singing. Hope is the first note.

Take care all out there, let's start singing!

To all those out there who struggle, I can offer nothing more than my belief in hope, and a better, safer day will come.

I pray you take it with you.

Love and care to all out there, Colleen

Politics, News, and the Hollywood Glandslide

This picture is obviously fake, but illustrates a good point. In today's world of politics and news, we have become people of acceptance without fact. We often accept as truth as whatever we see and hear, without bothering to investigate, or even look at the whole picture. With the advent of Internet and the ability to send and obtain information at light speed we often end up with "facts" that are not always what they appear to be. Just as often, a person will watch something posted on Youtube and perceive what they just saw "with their own two eyes" as fact. It is a perilous way to approach our news and even more dangerous within the political realm. Especially dangerous when given the fact that political speeches seem to all share the same template with only confusing political party language written in an effort to differentiate. When you throw in the degradation of news programs- once leaders in truth seeking, as somebody once said, we got trouble!

Adding to the problem is the downward turn in clean, truthful language in both areans. Politics and News. They go hand in hand. The newsmedia is supposed to be the watchdog of our societies, and when we are not recieving the whole truth, or recieving a confusing version of the truth, the newsmedia is supposed to inform and reveal. Unfortunatley we seem to be confused at every turn, and it needs to stop.

Politics and the English Language. A brilliant essay written by George Orwell and one every english student has had to read.
While it may be dated in its language it is, however, in some ways more relevant today than when it was written. It is an essay that I believe every politician, journalist and watchdog of society should read again.

Not one person would dare to say the majority of journalistic endeavors and political ramblings are written with more thought and intelligence than they were in Orwell's day. Not that we the public who read these infantile diatribes are any better. Confusing though it may be, we, who claim to be a compassionate society, seem to delight in once bright shining stars plummeting to earth in spectacular shows of idiodacy. Britney's public showing of her not-so public places was taken as serious water-cooler fodder, as is Charlie Sheen's current salient show of self-destruction. With self righteous glee we find ourselves laughing as Bush delivers another mis-said word. Even more confusing is our inability to tell real news from rag-mag context. Case in point- the way we hung on every word "Miss" Hilton said as though those words came straight out of some holy grail message detailing how to achieve global peace.

In a recent CNN article Stephen King was quoted from a Time Magazine interview. In the interview he pondered who should be Time Magazine's Person of the Year. He said, because he felt the news media has been inundated with entertainment gossip at the expense of real news, perhaps maybe Time should have named someone like Britney Spears as Person of the Year.

"[I told 'Nightline,'] 'You guys are just covering -- what do they call it -- the scream of the peacock, and you're missing the whole fox hunt.' Like waterboarding [or] where all the money went that we poured into Iraq. It just seems to disappear."

King went on to say,

"And yet you get this coverage of who's gonna get custody of Britney's kids? ... You've got these things going on ... that could affect all of us, and instead, you see a lot of this back-fence gossip."

Mr. King has hit the nail on the head. (my use of the nail on the head cliche is exactly the type of useless dribble Orwell complained about. Although cliches were frowned upon, in Orwell's opinion they certainly took second place when it came to grammar's downfall. High brow double talk took first prize especially when used only in the effort to sound intelligent or to confuse the issues. Sadly the newsmedia is allowing this kind of double talk to go on endlessly in so many of their new political talk shows. Once the ducks have all stop talking we still do not get the kind of political news that informs our decisions. Instead we get the Hollywood Factor.

The degradation of the newsmedia is troubling to say the least and when crossed over into the political arena it is even more troubling. Instead of great coverage we end up with who did what with who last night. I cannot speak for others but I would rather find out who is doing what for the country. The news media is not wholly to blame. The politicians are seemingly nothing but puppets of their party these days. Where are the great leaders we once had? Maybe they have gone the way of bedroom reporting I don't know. What I do know is- our inability to use language as a great tool has led us down the path of confusion and distrust. We no longer recieve information in clear and concise ways, and because of this we no longer have a true understanding of our political leaders. We are seeing less intelligent newcasts and more programming containing information that caters to the gossipmongers. As a society we seem to have lost our ability to speak and write with any kind of substance.

In the political arena great speeches seem to be a thing of the past.
Even when a speech is delivered with absolute sincerity all meaning gives way to redundant rhetoric. Each candidate repeats what the other has said. Unfortunately in the effort to stand out from the rest each speech is written with increasingly confusing language. But when dissected the speech contains the same message, albeit from opposing sides.

Here is a novel idea! Why not have the candidate themselves write his or her own speech? It might not sound as intelligent but it might be less confusing, and dammit we might find some truth within. I do not think I am alone in my wish for truth in politics. I do not want my politicians confusing the issues with double talk, I do not want to hear what the last guy said, and I do not want to hear an opposing argument just because it is from an opposing party leader.

As for the news media. I have but one thing to say. Stop the insanity I want to get off.

The journalistic papers and TV programs are nothing but paparazzi and cannot be called real news outlets if the majority of their "news" is Hollywood or political gossip. I remember when one such program first started. They claimed to be a hard-hitting news program and when the program first started they were. Their coverage of the war in the Middle East launched them into the spotlight. In those first years the program was source of good relevant news that people could watch and learn from. While the station is still a source for many good news stories, lately they have deteriorated along side of so many other news programs. More and more of their stories contain nothing but jiggles and giggles. They now have their own gossip show under the guise of Hollywood entertainment. Unfortunately they are in jeopardy of becoming just another news program that has been destroyed by the "Hollywood Gland Slide."

If we learn anything from Mr. Orwell's essay it should be- if you are going to say it, say it honestly, clearly and with simplistic elegance. I have not achieved what Orwell would have like within this post, but I am not a reporter, writer, or politician. I have not professed to be a person who delivers "the truth", nor have I chosen to be a person who has asked to be believed, or asked for your trust in running your city or country. These people must begin to say what they mean, and mean what they say, and do it without resorting to confusing language or double talk.

So reporters and politicians- I have a quest for you.

I, who am but a poor servant within your land, do hereby send you on a quest to achieve truth in your message to the masses, clarity of thought transferred to paper by quill, (or keyboard to computer) and last but not least, draft us a message that contains relevant, honest and thoughtful information to be delivered in the same manner. Go henceforth and bring this quest to fruition. Sincerely your humble servant. Colleen Hannah

THE NUCLEAR COOKIE AFFAIR

My gawd Rudy, George says these cookies are nukes, RUN!

Settle down Judge, it'll take 5 years and a few more wars to decide.

We have time for dinner.

(disclaimer, this is not my photo and this is not the original caption it is just a pic from Time's Pics of the Week- just a plate of cookies and Rudy Giuliani and the Supreme Court Judge, Samuel Alito at dinner- not as funny, but true.)

"PROSECUTOR WON'T BRING CHARGES IN MYSPACE SUICIDE" - CNN.COM

Prosecutor won't bring charges in MySpace suicide - CNN.com


My posting today is in response to the article posted above. My comments are only reflective of my own personal feelings, and not to be taken as anything else. I hope I do not offend. I am only trying to understand this big old world of ours, and how we all fit into it. Thank you for taking the time to read. I have also included the term Internet Assault, I do not know if it has been used by anyone else as of yet but I feel it is a good way to describe the growing trend of Internet users using anonymous postings to vent at, or hurt their target. I also feel it is a growing concern and one that is cowardly, and helping to erode our society and our ability to deal with adverse reactions in a responsible manner. Please feel free to comment.- C. H.


"INTERNET ASSAULT"- THE BEHAVIOUR THAT MAKES US LESS THAN INTELLIGENT
It is a dark day when an any adult can go online- create a persona- and use it to crush a child so completely as to bring about her suicide and not be charged with any offence.
What does this say about our society?
It is saying that once again the "right to free speech" is hailed over the protection of our children and ourselves.
I do not believe that when our forefathers introduced such legislation they ever intended it to be used in such an inane way as it has today or in the past.
I cannot fathom how it could be right in the mind of the mother and family, that allegedly created a profile, to do what they did- even if it was in the interest of protecting their own child from perceived Internet or verbal assault by the child they allegedly targeted. I would expect that a responsible adult, would instead, go to the parent of the child they suspected of verbal or Internet assault of their own daughter, and confront the issue that way.
It seems instead, that if what the parents did was indeed true, they were acting out of anger and were in some way receiving satisfaction out of playing with another child's mind. Is this the behaviour to teach their own child. Absolutely not!
Whether or not the child that committed suicide had 'bad-mouthed' the child of these parents is not the issue. Yes, it is wrong, if it happened, but what is even more disturbing is the action taken that led to the suicide.
When adults resort to this kind of behaviour it reinforces the kinds of attitudes that are eroding our society today in terms of apathy, violence, anger, and an inability to act in a respectful and caring manner. The parents should have recognized that this child was a child, and therefore was to be treated as such. It should have been resolved between those responsible for those children.
Unfortunately in a society that is increasingly acting out within the parameters of secrecy on the Internet we are seeing more and more of this kind of behaviour.
I am saddened by how we act as ' higher functioning' mammals.
It almost make me feel like jumping in the ocean and socialize instead with our more empathetic cousins, the dolphins.
If I sound somewhat negative, well ...I am. I am saddened and angry by the way we seem to feel that it is our right to hurt others because we can be anonymous.
This only shows- One, we are insensitive and care only about ourselves. In psychiatry a person acting in this manner would be called a psychopath or sociopath if I recall correctly.
Two, it shows an increasing trend towards a type of cowardice, that we only lash out when it is possible to remain anonymous.
And Three... it shows we have lost the ability to act and resolve issues in a adult, responsible, and caring manner.
How do we solve this issue?
By understanding that, by our actions, we are creating a world where it is acceptable to treat people as less than human and by doing so- we not only hurt those we set out to, but we ultimately hurt ourselves by creating such a world. We also have to understand that- we are what we do.
Because we do something anonymous does not mean that we can get up from our computer, go to church, volunteer, or help someone tomorrow, and our anonymous assault we wrote on the computer an hour before is erased. It doesn't work that way. There is this idea pervading through society now that venting is a good thing- and we think- "wow I just vented ... I feel better". Sure venting is great but not at the expense of another fellow human being. We seem to ignore or even take pleasure sometimes that on the other end of our vent is a devastated, emotionally wrecked person that WE are accountable for and WE SHOULD be held accountable for whatever our actions cause that person to do.
In a court of law, if you punch someone and they die as a result of the injury, you can be charged with manslaughter or murder. So if you say something that causes a person to commit suicide, should it be different? Yes- of course there is a difference but how much? Why should one person who announces their actions and claims responsibility be held accountable and one person who does the same action in anonymity be let off the hook?
I am sure that many who read this will evidently want to argue many points with legal jargon and others will argue in defence of free speech and I am sure both arguments contain validity. But is freedom of speech protected when we don't claim authorship? Or should the question be- should we be protected just because it was- one, on the Internet, and two, because it was anonymous? Obviously there have been charges laid in cases where death threats have been lodged anonymously when the author was found and proven to have written them. But should the same types of charges or even harsher be in effect if an anonymous or a claimed negative posting leads to psychological damage resulting in the death of the person who receives it?
And to those who have arguments, please understand I am not a lawyer, or a politician. I am only human being, who happens to be a mother, and who is frightened by what our "humane society" is capable of.
So next time someone makes you angry or hurt.... Please, think about how your response would affect you or your loved ones if it was reversed. Instead of resorting to "Internet Assault" or verbal assault anonymously or otherwise, could we not instead act like the "higher intelligence" mammals we are?
We all try to work towards saving endangered species, how about working towards saving the endangered central aspect of humanity, EMPATHY. Without it we are only psychopaths serving our own goals.- C. H.

Nuclear Bombs Go For a Ride... Oops- My take on Time Magazine's Quote of the Day.

Thursday Sept. 06, 2007-

"Nothing like this has ever been reported before, and we have been assured for decades that it was impossible."

Rep. EDWARD J. MARKEY
of the Homeland Security Committee, after learning that a B-52 bomber had been mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown across the country last week
Photo: Julian Herbert / Getty Source: AP

Wow... I am sitting here stunned after reading this Time magazine quote. I feel a bit like Chicken Little here. The sky is falling... or at least it could have!

Maybe it is because I was blessed, or cursed, with an active imagination, but it scares the hell out of me to think what could have happened.

I can only hope there is a system by which these nuclear bombs have to be armed by the pilot before drop, because in my little, imaginative world the plane crashes, and we go boom!

Well thankfully, I am a little more educated than my brain would like to think, but really without knowing what security features are in place I can scare up a lot of similiar, terrifying scenarios.

I actually have to laugh when I say "security features", because I had previously assumed that said features were already in place to prevent nuclear bombs from accidentally being strapped to the underside of a plane, and flown across country.

I cannot for the life of me understand how this mistake would, or could, take place. Were the pilots told there was an exercise? Were they told to transport them to the other side of the country? Obviously, I believe if they needed to be transported they would have been transported in a different manner, so that does not explain it. There does not seem to be a reasonable explanation, nor does it make sense that any pilot that is trained to carry such bombs would not know that this was out of the ordinary.

Why did no one ask any questions, and if they did, why were there no answers that would have prevented this? I cannot believe that no one asked questions. I would have thought that the ground crew strapping those bombs aboard must have had a few reservations. I would have thought that the pilot's training would have kicked in, and they would have thought it strange. Is the US Military so robotic in nature that they obey all, and ask no questions? If this is the case, then I am even more terrified than when I first sat down to write this.

I have no answers, only questions myself. I probably, as a journalism student, should have researched this further before blogging, but the very idea that nuclear bombs can belly up to a plane unnoticed, and go for a flight for thousands of miles, got my attention to say the very least. I needed to debrief my fear. I hope that somewhere, in some secretive place, some debriefing about the nuclear stowaways is taking place. Then I hope we scared little chickens who may have had our coops blown to bits are told why!

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!

Wow, I never thought I would say this, but yes...NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!

I was driving my boyfriend to work when I saw this poor guy laid out on the sidewalk. Nobody seemed to care, and even though my boyfriend said the guy was moving I needed to check on him. So I pulled the car over on the side of the street, and Darren and I hopped out and ran over to the guy.

This poor man(some may not agree), but this poor man was lying on the sidewalk with his guitar clutched in his hands. He opened his eyes upon my inquiry. "Hi," I said, "are you okay."

His reply was soft and polite. "I'm fine mam, I just need to lie here okay?"

I knew we couldn't just leave him there so I asked if it was alright if we helped him to the bench.

"No thank you I am fine I just need to lie her a bit and then I will be on my way." he weakly replied.

Knowing that I had to get my boyfriend to his work on time, I tried to be a little firmer without sounding like I was condemning him. I knew that this man probably had just done a little to much of his drug of choice, and judging by his pupils I could tell it was probably heroin or a cheaper alternative. I also knew by how thin he was that he had not been eating and was therefore in jeopardy of overdose because of his frailty. His poor heart probably could not stand much more of this lifestyle.

" We are just going to help you up and get you over to the bench in this park over here okay?" I spoke a bit firmer. "We can't just leave you here on the sidewalk."

"Okay," he said with resignation. "If you could just move my guitar for me, I will get up myself."

I knew that wasn't going to be the best plan so I gave Darren the guitar and walked behind him in case of the inevitable. After being on his feet for all of 5 seconds the inevitable happened, and I was soon playing back catcher.

We got him to the bench and unfortunately by this time it was time to hurry and go.

Fortuitously as we were getting back in the car I spotted a cop car. I ran across the street where they were waiting for the light to change and told them, " I know this guy probably is just using and has done a little too much. But I am worried about how weak he is. Could you please check on him." The woman officer said yes and that was that.

After I dropped my boyfriend off I swung by the park and saw that the man had managed to get himself up and was walking down the road. Not surprisingly though as the cops were there and he knew if they took him somewhere it would mean detox. Though saddened at the outcome, I drove on my way to Tim Horton's for a soup.

Here is where my good deed starts to go sour.

After getting my soup and joking around with the people inside Timmy's I was thinking what a great day.

Then something crept into my mind. I started hearing the saying, No good deed goes unpunished, rolling around in my head.

"Curious," I thought. "Why on earth would my brain come up with that?"

"Oh, oh," my brain screamed, "this can't be a good omen."

As I was making my way over to the car, I noticed my guitar man walking down the street, and railing at the world as he walked. His arms swinging in agitation to the world, he was shouting something about his landlord, and how he couldn't be expected to pay his rent on time because he was ill and he was taking all kinds of medication including Valium. Didn't seem to come as a surprise to me.

I was so worried that this guy was now going to become violent with the teenager walking towards him, that I pulled out of Timmy's and went the opposite way that I was supposed to.

As I made the turn I saw that all was okay and the teen walked past guitar man without incident.

I hadn't realized what I had done until I saw a cop car behind me in the rear view mirror. The lights were flashing and something told me that oops, I think this is because I went the wrong way.

I pulled over promptly and when the officer got out of the car I noticed it was a woman. At first I thought oh this is the same officer that I asked to check on the man. "I wonder if she needs me to testify about something, I hope he hasn't done anything wrong." At the same time I was thinking OK no that couldn't be it, they wouldn't have let him go, I noticed it was a different woman officer.

This officer asked me, "Do you know what you did back there," I was pretty sure it had something to do with my turn, so I replied, " yes sorry, I was watching the man whom I had the officer check on, and wasn't thinking about the turn." I should have said. Nope, what did I do officer? But dang it, I can't lie. Wish I could, but I can't.

She was probably thinking, what the heck is this woman talking about... and is she drinking?

But instead of taking a breathalyzer she said, "What man are you talking about."

I explained, and she said OK just wait there. I had to giggle because what was I gonna do, make a run for it!

I really thought that when she came back she would have found out about my asking for aid from the police for this guy; however, what really happened wasn't as karma induced.

She instead said, " I' m sorry to inform you I am going to have to give you a ticket for an illegal left hand turn." I was dumbfounded and could only inquire to how much the ticket would cost. 109 dollars she replied. At this amount I was even more dumbfounded and with that amount I realized that this month was going to be a hard one. The tears started to well up so I just nodded my head and said OK thank you. OH MY GOSH, I am not sure why I said thank you but this is one time I wish I had not been so darn polite. She said it was because there had been so many complaints but you would think that after my good deed I wouldn't have been punished. Maybe a warning would have been more appropriate in this case. I could see if I had just been blatantly ignoring the sign, which I am assuming there is a sign there. You know I don't even know if there is. I need to go check that out, because if there isn't I should fight this. Being on disability is hard enough without having to pay 109 dollars for being a good citizen.

You know what? I think I am going to check into this anyways. I really feel that I do not deserve this. I feel as if I was the person who got the slap for others doing this all the time. This is the first time I have done this and it was because of a good reason. Yeah I know, just because it was for a good reason doesn't make it right. But surely it didn't warrant me having to buy less groceries this month. And I don't even have any tickets except for one years and years ago and surely they could have looked at my record and my reason and given me a slap on the wrist instead? I don't know, I just know that this still will not stop me from helping people. It just stings a lot. Thank you to those who have listened to my rant. I needed to voice it. I don't feel better, but I hope soon I will. Talk to you all soon.

As The World Turns; A slightly changed version.

Well, well, it's that time of year again, a birthday is about to assault me. Yes... a truly wonderful time to go insane!

I really have to get my humour back don't I? I told you all this was to be a place to laugh and have fun at my expense but I am just dragging you all down with my in the downward spiral.

But I believe tomorrow will be a turning point. Yes indeedy, it is gonna be the start of a new day.

Well Duh! tomorrow is a new day anyway, but seriously I am even going to buy myself a lottery ticket because I am sooo sure it will be a new era of happiness, prosperity and a turning point in my health. Ok well one out of 3 would be great. And 2 out of 3 I will definately take!

So tune in next time on... "AS THE TRULY NUTS WORLD TURNS" In the next episode we will see this overly optimistic woman buy a lottery ticket and win, get all A's at college, walk outside find her crappy car has been stolen but in it's place someone has left her an brand new Candy Apple Red Tesla, and she finds her keys don't fit her 400ft sqare apartment but they fit the 4 thousand sqare foot mansion that is on the water front. All in all it will be an exciting episode. So tune in and have your life changed too; just by watching!

See you soon!

A Spring to Remember

Spring is here, well sort of!

Today is one of those days where you want to curl up with a keyboard and blog till your heart is content because it is so ugly outside.

But on the other hand I can look out and see the daffodils blooming and all the trees with buds just ready to burst forth with a spray of green. The ornamental cherry trees are already losing their blossoms in expectation of fruit to bear.

All in all it is spring.

I love this time of year, it is a time when you smell the scent of new beginnings. A time when a rainstorm can result in a rainbow more often than not. A time when the darkness does not call as early. It is also a time when mother nature is smiling down upon the land. And babies of all shape and size are being brought into the world in fields of green, hidden dens, lush majestic forests, and all the places that an animal mother has searched for, to bear her young.

It is in the spring I wish I had some magic way of peering in on wild animals. I wish so much that I could see the miracle of birth in the wild. No obstetricians, no nurses, no screaming, no sterile smell, just the amazing sight of a mommy giving birth and then tenderly doing all she can to take care of her baby; clean her baby with her tongue, not only to clean it, but to conceal it's scent from preditors, help her baby to stand so at a moment's notice her baby can flee, teach it to nurse, and keep her baby from wandering off.

It is such a miracle to know that a mommy so loving and so caring in such a short time has to prepare her baby to be self-sufficient, because he/she has to strike out on his/her own, so soon. I often wonder and marvel at such a strong bond and then that bond has to be broken for her young's own good. Does the mommy mourn the loss of her child? Does she even think of her baby after it has left her?

I think of polarbears and how the mommy polarbear has to keep her babies (often two) free from harm. She wanders so far in search of food and shelter, and her babies keep tagging along. Then at a very young age compared to humans, she has to let them go in that vast, freezing, no man's land. Does she know her young when and if she encounters them again?

Then I think to the animals that stay with the herd or pack. Just like a human mother she has to watch her young picked on, or even killed because it didn't obey group rules, or her young's position in the heirarchy wasn't high enough. Does she come to the defence of her baby, or does intinct about pack rules govern her behaviour? So many questions. But in the end, I would just like for a moment to let go of all those questions, and just watch the first few moments of birth and the bonding between mommy and baby animal. That would be a spring to remember for me.

Sleep Writing.

Saturday, hmmm, actually Friday night 9:23 and I am bored, tired and umm just a wee bit cranky! I really don't know why but suspect it has something to do with my procrastinating about my final essays and article that I have to write. lol.
You know what? How bout we change the subject? Let's go with how to write a book...
Bah, like I know lol! Seriously though I really do want to write one and have just finished a small start to a fantasy novel. Well maybe it's a start to a fantasy short story, lol!
Either way I think I am getting the hang of naming characters, coming up with places and things for them to go to and do.
Gah... I am falling asleep at the key and have hit the g key so many times it's not funny. Fell asleep and woke up to thisGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGgggggggggggggggggggg
LOL!
so I am thinking it is time to get some sleep and work on the the book/short soh[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ OH NO, yep definately time to sleep night all

Creation vs Evolution, how is either a bad thing?

I just read a CNN article in which there was a teacher, Kris Helphinstine in Sisters, Oregon, that was fired because,"he included Biblical references in material he provided to students and gave a PowerPoint presentation that made links between evolution, Nazi Germany and Planned Parenthood." according to the CNN article.

Now I am not going to debate the age old question of Creationism vs Evolution, however, I am going to respond to some of the responses from parents at the school board meeting to discuss the reasons for firing Helphinstine.

Helphinstine said that he, "did not teach the idea that God created the world. "I never taught creationism," he said. "I know what it is, and I went out of my way not to teach it."as quoted by CNN.

If in fact this is true, then all Helphinstine did was give the students information to make them think as he said in the CNN article. He didn't tell them this is the way it is. Creationism is all there is and Evolution is just bunk. No, he simply gave them a few ideas to help them formulate their own ideas and better understand the issues surrounding both ideologies. Yes many people feel that Creationism is an ideology and Evolution is a scientific fact, but just for the purpose of my blog let's give them equal playing ground ok? You will see why in a bit.

In response to Helphinstine's teaching technique many parents were outraged. I myself cannot understand how or why a parent could become this angry over a teacher simply adding a bit of material to the curriculum. The irony is Helphinstine has a Master's in Science.

Now here is the part that I find hard to imagine. One parent was quoted in the CNN article as saying, ""He took passages that had all kinds of Biblical references," Rahm said. "It prevented her from learning what she needed to learn." Another parent in the same article said ""How many minds did he pollute?"

My question is... Pollute! how on earth did someone get that bent out of shape over information given. Tell me please, when is it a bad thing to have two sides to draw upon to better understand either one of them. The thing that really gets me is (I am a parent so I feel I have a right to comment on at least this.) that parents today let their kids sit in front of the TV, or whatever electronic device they may be watching, and they are flooded with porn at 8:OO pm, violence at 9:00 pm, and then head for a round of Doom 3 before bed and the parent says "oh, hey that's just kids," or better yet, "at least my kid ain't buggin me."

OK, I know there is a lot of really good parents out there, and probably the two parents quoted on CNN are a couple of them but... my point is that kids today are inundated with crap all around them and see even worse at their own school. They deal everyday with things a child shouldn't see and most parents will say,"well they gotta see it some time, at least this way I know what she is watching." Parents will have parties for kids of 14 and 15 yrs of age, where alcohol is served saying well at least I know where she is drinking.

Yes, I am getting to my point but decided to rant for a bit. In school kids have to read things that some find offensive and vulgar, but because it is on the curriculum parents "ok" it. I know, I just went back to school, and every single short story read had "f" this and "f"that. But hey it's the curriculum right, it's "ok". Kids in school today are made to feel aware of their sexuality and are punished if someone's lifestyle isn't ok with them. All in the name of curriculum. And yet something as benign as presenting Creationism for a scientific look at two sides of an idea is called polluting a child's brain.

There did you see it? That was my point. My point is that when there is so much out there for parents to be really scared of. Things that are really polluting their brains; I cannot fathom how something like this issue could be even remotely considered "polluting."

If you ask me (and I am sure many of you are now saying "we didn't") but if you ask me I think that giving our children information that can better help them understand what they believe, or at the very least be able to formulate their own thoughts on the subject, is a good thing.

What you really need to teach them is not to be afraid of different thoughts and ideas that have nothing to do with sex, drugs and anything that might bring about their demise. And help them to see that information is the way they sort out their own thoughts and ideas. If you truly believe that your child is better off believing exactly what you believe, then you do not remember growing up yourself. Besides, science is always changing, growing learning. Don't we want our children to be the same?

Yes I believe in Evolution, but I also believe there is room for Creationism too. I raised my child with the ability to try to understand everything, but believe what she wished. She believes in both, but what I am most proud of is that she believes in herself. I raised her to not be afraid of any one persons idea. And to never discount something without learning everything about it. She personally has chosen to side more on the side of Evolution in terms of how our little world works but also has chosen to believe more in some areas of creationism, we are all here to make up our own minds.....

I agree with a lot of what she believes but we also differ. She is very much like me but she is growing into the person she should be; with her own ideas, likes, and dislikes. That is how we evolve. Does anybody see the irony of believing in Evolution, but refusing to evolve? Yes, I know we are debating fundamental evolution; actual dna changes, and skeletal and limb changes, but we also evolve in our brains. If you understand the brain at all you'll understand that each brain though similiar in shape is changing and creating new and different pathways so no two brains are alike; we are in a constant state of evolution.

And finally here is MY POINT! My daughter received A's in every class, and in every class there was no room for creationism, but I taught her to learn everything in school and around her, so then not only would she get A's (which are never a bad thing) but also be able to then make up her own mind. So tell me, was my child polluted by giving her the tools to decide what is true for her and what is not?

Now if you have learned anything here today I hope it is that you will; read my blog thoroughly, try to understand what I have said..... and embrace it..... or... PUNT IT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH! one last thought though, I made it up just now and I feel it suits this blog. A quote from me....
"I pity the man or woman who tries to argue a point not learned." c.hannah

Some days you just want to smile and have the whole world smile back.
This ain't one of those days!
Sorry but it's true. I just got back from school after handing in something cuz I missed school again today. Second week I have been sick and I have to make it to school otherwise I am in jeopardy of being exempt from my English exam.
Gah! I just want to feel human!!!! I am posting a poem I wrote, sure hope nobody likes it enough to plagerize, although I hope someone likes it enough to think about it!
It's a poem I wrote the other day cuz I was sick and tired of being sick and... well you know the rest. Yah I know kind of emotionally dramatic, but hey even happy bunny over there can't break through this blah!
ok here it is... a little depressing but hey, I'll get over it.

Poisonous Claw

Morning comes, no greetings of joyful abandon

No thoughts of walking in beautiful sunrises

The only thought that is entertained is the want for death,

or at the very least, hibernation for months till maybe just maybe,

this body could wake, feeling bearish but alive.

If only I was a bear that awakes grumpy and hungry, and when it's belly fills,

it feels alive, ready.

This thought is a good one, but alas never for me.

I instead, am condemned to awaken

with the feeling that someone shot me in the night,

with a poison quill.

Every morning it is as if

the quill is laid to rest within my flesh,

and it's poison is doing what it was made for.

Silent it crawls through my cells of blood,

making it's way through my nerve endings.

My nerves feel the poison,

they let it wrap around them like,

a voracious vine looking for sun,

each tentacle wrapped tighter, tighter,

till it is anchored in just....

the right place and the creeping stops.

This is what I wake to,

this is my life... what everyone else deems the start of a new day.

Do I want to start this new day, with it's poisonous claw?

Yes.... and I always will.

written by c.h march 19/2007

An Innocence Lost, A Challenge Gained

An Innocence lost, A Challenge Gained.

I believe we as a people, humanity as a whole that is, I believe we are to be commended for our hunger for knowledge and attaining such heights in that quest. However, I also believe in trying to satisfy that hunger we have lost an innocence that can never be found again.


We seem to equate the thirst for information with having it all, knowing it all, and showing it all.


It is a catch 22, I will grant. But we cannot forget that by knowing it all, we accept responsibility for having that knowledge. We can no longer sit back and say, well I didn't know or I didn't understand.


Too long now we have poured over the Internet, with our minds soaking up anything our brains can question. What we do with that information is the true test of being knowledgeable. It is not enough to receive the information and then pretend to have never seen it. We must act on the knowledge or it becomes but useless dribble.


We cannot go back to the days, when we were comfortable in our own little worlds. We know too much, have seen too much, and have accepted too much. We say we have come so far, but yet we still see the same indignation's to others around our world, we still see nations rising up against other nations and we say it is because of how they treat their own, and yet, look to our own streets. We still rage wars in the name of land or what is below that land. We still treat others in our own cities as if they carry the plague. Yet we call ourselves knowledgeable! We may have knowledge but we are not knowledgeable. For I believe to be knowledgeable, one must know how to put that knowledge into use. Oh, yes, there are so many of us that strive towards this path but, until it is the majority of us and not the minority, we have so far to climb. I often wish that we could regain our innocence, but in saying that I know I am actually saying, I wish I never knew, then I would not be responsible for change.


I do know, and I am responsible to change it. An innocence lost, but a challenge gained.

Do I Stay or Do I Go Go?

You know sometimes it's just hard to know whether to stay put or go for it. Even if you feel like you have some kind of back up plan, or wings that have been tested already, you just don't know if you should take the step or stay put.

I kind of feel like that right now. I really felt that going to school was the right call, getting a journalism degree would ramp my life up a bit. But then things start to get muddy, and I start to second guess. Was I happier just getting acting gigs when I could, and was I disrepecting myself by taking a wage that was offered or no wage at all?

Should I have pursued it wholeheartedly instead of getting scared that it would never amount to anything, thus neither would I?

The funny thing is, that it took until I was 35 to jump back into acting. I always felt that I had done myself a disservice by not pursuing my acting and singing. I believe fear was the supreme root of it all. Was I good enough, did I deserve to do what I loved, was I of a good enough caliber to get jobs that could support me. I don't know if I really gave it the best shot I could have.... no... I know I didn't. But then part of me says, that by giving myself a degree I have another set of wings to try out- to try to fly with.

By giving myself this opportunity, I feel like, I can then pursue two different loves and maybe succeed at one of them. I don't know this may be a cop out. I do know that if nothing else, I will be able to write my own play reviews!!!!

I was always taught that I wasn't the best, I wasn't the prettiest, that I needed to be humble before all. This wasn't my parents fault, it was just the way my Mom was brought up. Besides she read Dr. Spock (not on Star Trek) and unfortunately there is a generation of us that have low-esteem issues, and image problems, and we have the great Spock to thank for that. I am sure that he meant well, and felt he was right in what he taught. I am also fairly sure that a lot of parents went wrong by trying to use a book to parent by in the first place but none-the-less, the practice of child-rearing with the books' methadology was in fact a great part of why I am the way I am.

I realize that because I was never taught to believe in myself and my abilities, I am stuck in some certain ways. I don't have the ability to "just put myself out there" for critique, and when I recieve critizism, whether it be constuctive or not, I tend to fold up and give up.

Maybe by just acknowledging this, I am making myself accountable. By that I mean, perhaps by writing this for all the world to see, I am now responsible for changing my behavior. I can no longer sit back and let the world happen to me, and then whine about it. I know that if I can write about it, then I can change it. Maybe just maybe I have found why it is necessary for me to continue the pursuit of journalism. If I can come to terms, by writing, with who I am and realize I am a capable and talented woman and not feel guilty for acknowledging it, then maybe I can start to be successful in my acting or any career I choose to pursue.

I can also tell you that I did not start out with this end in mind. But happily, by writing my thoughts I have come to a insightful conclusion. Thank you for being part of my "working it all out!"

Have a good day all.

Peace, quiet, and no one slapping me upside the head!

Sometimes you just want a place where all is right. Where all is well and ... ALL IS NOT HITTING YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!
On days such as these, I head to the place I know that life takes a breathe. A place where nature is the only force that I have to reckon with.
This place long ago ceased to be just a geographic spot on the map, but instead somehow became my closest friend.
This place is the ocean's edge.
I know I can go there and be comforted as a friend comforts a friend.
I know I am allowed to cry there, laugh there, scream at the top of my lungs and rant there. I can build a rock tower and pretend to be one with zen there at the edge of the water. I can write all my hopes and dreams in the sand for the heavens to see, or I can pour out my heart with sadness and rage and then stand back and watch the ocean cleanse it away. And with the water I too feel cleansed.
As a child, I would go there and find solace in the power of the waves. I some how felt that this place of immense power was a place of safety for me. To see the might with which the waves could carve stone was a sight that instilled a sense of power within the frightened, powerless child that I was. I felt that if there was a power such as this and it was created by something, anything, then there must be this hope for me.
As an adult that is still sometimes that frightened small child, I go back there and can retrieve that hope. I know that the ocean and its edge will always be there, a constant in my life of change, and I am comforted.
At times my adult brain wants to believe in the hopelessness that can come with too much information. But the child in me, reaches up and surges forth, and remembers...
I thank you my old friend. I will visit soon.

Blocked

Well I tried to write to no avail. Seems I am what is affectionatley termed...blocked. Besides I spent too much time on trying to get my picture to load on the actual blog site. It's funny, I am sitting here,like a lot of people I presume, wondering just why am I writing all of this. Surely not because others are interested in my little life, but maybe there is a tendency to hope that someone reads this and cares about my little life. I truly believe that is what drives us all in the pursuit of fame and fortune. I myself have given over to my creative side. My Right brain has reared its ugly head. or should I say my ugly head has reared its right brain. Whichever it is I know that I will continue to strive towards the idea that I can oneday sustain my life by doing what I love and hopefully along the way others will love what I do. I am not sure that I will ever attain this goal but just having such a goal sustains me.
I have had so many different twists and turns in my life, and as I get more comfortable with this medium I will no doubt share them. I have always been a little too open and honest for some peoples taste but here in the land of blogging there is no one to stem the tide of my rambling. Anyways I am now sufficiently sufficed when it comes to tonights particular rambling and somehow feel the better for it. Goodnight